There is no One Computer

The One Computer is the concept that all Internet connected devices form a sort of collective, massive computing processor. At first, I was buying into this, but alas there is no One Computer. Why? Because we humans with our much smaller individual computers between our ears have nevertheless an endless capacity to muck things up. There are no universal standards, so the many elements of the One Computer either can’t understand each other, or can but don’t want to.

And I am glad. Because I am not the least bit convinced that even an individual node of this One Computer can make sense of itself, much less the larger picture. Case in point: my company firewall was upgraded to have new licenses for a security service. It now properly reports that these new licenses are installed on one screen, and immediately on another screen of the same interface says that an upgrade is required because there are no installed licenses.

Reminds me of when I was doing graphic design for a two-sided flyer and the client wanted to use up a lot of space to put the same information on both sides. My counter-argument: Why? In case the fibers of the paper become separated and somehow side B is no longer on the back of side A? While an accurate assessment of the reality of the situation, this response did not make friends.

Now, I am looking at exactly this scenario: Side B of the firewall admin site says ‘good to go.’ Side A says ‘no go.’ Of course, the magic of computers allows for this rift in the space time continuum without even breaking a sweat.

2 = 1, as long as 1 = 2

Added a new video monitor to my laptop, in an effort to replicate the convenience of having two monitors like at my work desktop. I expected the laptop would try to go into presentation mode, as if I was connected to a projector, and sure enough it did. Not a problem.

Then I adjusted the settings to make the new monitor act as an extension of the desktop. At which point it promptly took over as the primary monitor, and made the screen on my laptop become the second monitor. While this would normally just be something awkward to correct, it became reminiscent of 1990s computing when the video mode on the new monitor was declared to be incompatible, so the screen went dark… Meaning that my only access to everything on the Windows desktop AND the location of any window or program I tried to open was on the monitor I now could not see. Even though my laptop’s screen was reporting as monitor #1 and the new one was monitor #2, inexplicably #2 was automatically set to be the primary monitor – normally #1. So 1 was 2 and 2 was 1. Riiiight.

Think. I am smarter than this machine right? What can I do?

Well, like any resourceful red-blooded American, I simply began guessing where programs and buttons might be on the dark screen with my mouse and clicking. After 10 or 10,000 attempts and the requisite cursing, I randomly hit something that worked, turned off the second monitor, changed settings and took over the primary monitor slot with my laptop’s screen. All better.

And this isn’t even ByTor messing with me like this.

I am beginning to believe in the One Computer.

The Long and Winding Road

While these words conjur up the melancholy story of life as told by the Beatles, it also refers to how any simple task is accomplished in IT. Sadly.

For example, two of our staff got new PCs this week. In order to get those machines up and running and replace their current machines, each user needs to move any files they have to the network, as well any specialized software or settings. That’s the easy part.

Then, I need to connect the machine to our network and get any software installed. Again, easy.

But like the ad says, there’s Reality and then there’s Zumanity. Here’s the Zumanity version:

• Connect machine to network
• Install software
• Connect to Internet
• Oops, can’t connect because we need more Anti-Virus licenses
• Go buy more licenses
• Get supremely confused by types of licenses available (see previous post on Semantics)
• Put item in shopping cart
• Get weird shopping cart results
• Start over
• E-Store won’t ‘forget’ first item, wrestle with it
• Find correct item, finally remove all bad items
• Purchase
• Install the licenses on the firewall
• Oops, can’t because DNS isn’t working suddenly
• Check DNS, it is set externally
• Check external DNS and it doesn’t match up
• Run around in circles wondering what’s wrong, when all users and servers are fine, but not the firewall
• Pull in outside IT vendor for support
• Need a spare workstation, set that up
• Oh by the way, borrowed that spare workstation from a staff member who is trying to troubleshoot an urgent problem while on vacation – Aigh!
• Take care of urgent problem for that staff member so workstation can remain free for vendor
• Connect to IT vendor support network, wait…
• Did I mention Wait… ?
• After much wringing of hands, gnashing of teeth, and of course the requisite hourly fee, problem solved
• Update firewall
• Update all users’ Anti-Virus
• Get Anti-Virus on new PCs
• Go back and finish installing software
• Retire at age 75, never having accomplished any of my own work

Joy.

Semantics

Dear SonicWall,

I really like your network and security appliances. Really. But seriously, dudes. Get a grip on your security service names. What is the deal with all these options?

• Client/Server Anti-Virus Suite
• Comprehensive Gateway Security Suite
• Gateway AV/Anti-Spyware/Intrusion Prevention/Application Firewall
• Enforced Client Anti-Virus and Anti-Spyware

I think they should all be bundled into the “SonicWall Comprehensive Client/Server Gateway Enforced Security Anti-Virus/Anti-Spyware/Intrusion Prevention/Application Firewall Suite Excelsior Edition Deluxe.”

Or just “Deluxe.” That sounds nice.

Outlook. Done in by… pretty pictures!!

Outlook 2007. The latest and greatest verison of Microsoft’s flagship e-mail, communications and calendar platform. And it keeps crashing when my e-mails contain… pretty pictures. Or Chinese characters. So as long as I don’t get any e-mails with either of those in them, I’m ok.

Better not browse any Chinese art galleries. Vista will implode. I think I’ll just keep this idea in my back pocket as a sort of kryptonite in case ByTor goes HAL 9000 on me.