There is no One Computer

The One Computer is the concept that all Internet connected devices form a sort of collective, massive computing processor. At first, I was buying into this, but alas there is no One Computer. Why? Because we humans with our much smaller individual computers between our ears have nevertheless an endless capacity to muck things up. There are no universal standards, so the many elements of the One Computer either can’t understand each other, or can but don’t want to.

And I am glad. Because I am not the least bit convinced that even an individual node of this One Computer can make sense of itself, much less the larger picture. Case in point: my company firewall was upgraded to have new licenses for a security service. It now properly reports that these new licenses are installed on one screen, and immediately on another screen of the same interface says that an upgrade is required because there are no installed licenses.

Reminds me of when I was doing graphic design for a two-sided flyer and the client wanted to use up a lot of space to put the same information on both sides. My counter-argument: Why? In case the fibers of the paper become separated and somehow side B is no longer on the back of side A? While an accurate assessment of the reality of the situation, this response did not make friends.

Now, I am looking at exactly this scenario: Side B of the firewall admin site says ‘good to go.’ Side A says ‘no go.’ Of course, the magic of computers allows for this rift in the space time continuum without even breaking a sweat.

The Long and Winding Road

While these words conjur up the melancholy story of life as told by the Beatles, it also refers to how any simple task is accomplished in IT. Sadly.

For example, two of our staff got new PCs this week. In order to get those machines up and running and replace their current machines, each user needs to move any files they have to the network, as well any specialized software or settings. That’s the easy part.

Then, I need to connect the machine to our network and get any software installed. Again, easy.

But like the ad says, there’s Reality and then there’s Zumanity. Here’s the Zumanity version:

• Connect machine to network
• Install software
• Connect to Internet
• Oops, can’t connect because we need more Anti-Virus licenses
• Go buy more licenses
• Get supremely confused by types of licenses available (see previous post on Semantics)
• Put item in shopping cart
• Get weird shopping cart results
• Start over
• E-Store won’t ‘forget’ first item, wrestle with it
• Find correct item, finally remove all bad items
• Purchase
• Install the licenses on the firewall
• Oops, can’t because DNS isn’t working suddenly
• Check DNS, it is set externally
• Check external DNS and it doesn’t match up
• Run around in circles wondering what’s wrong, when all users and servers are fine, but not the firewall
• Pull in outside IT vendor for support
• Need a spare workstation, set that up
• Oh by the way, borrowed that spare workstation from a staff member who is trying to troubleshoot an urgent problem while on vacation – Aigh!
• Take care of urgent problem for that staff member so workstation can remain free for vendor
• Connect to IT vendor support network, wait…
• Did I mention Wait… ?
• After much wringing of hands, gnashing of teeth, and of course the requisite hourly fee, problem solved
• Update firewall
• Update all users’ Anti-Virus
• Get Anti-Virus on new PCs
• Go back and finish installing software
• Retire at age 75, never having accomplished any of my own work

Joy.

The tangled web

For the eighty-something-th time, the accountants have reported that their access was down. Usually I just reboot and all is well. I actually don’t know why this works specifically, but since it has worked, I really don’t feel like spending a lot of time figuring it out… until today when it would not work, even after two reboots.

I investigated the VPN configuration and the firewall. No love, but I did get to waste some time upgrading firmware, so that was fun. Then I started checking out the config on the machine itself and found out that it actually WAS the firewall to blame. I have our firewall set to disallow any Internet connections for computers with out-of-date virus scan software. This machine’s virus scan was out-of-date, so by MY rule, the firewall shut down the connection.

Did it tell me so in the logs of either the VPN or firewall device? No, that would be silly.

But I found it. And I fixed it.

Now I just need a computer to tell me all the intertwined connections and rules I have made for all the other computers and devices. That would be awesome. Until it needs new firmware.

The day the Internet broke

So I was working on the aforementioned Spy vs. Spy scenario and finally making some progress when all the sudden the dern Internet up and broke. Well, Pa and I hitched the mule to the wagon and rode into town. We bought us a new Internet and threw the old one away, so we’re all set there.

But seriously… as if I didn’t have enough else going on, Windows Update decided to hijack about 50 connections between one of my user’s PCs and the Windows Update service. And each connection was repeatedly trying to download about 43Gb of content. 50 x 43 = 2150Gb – that’s 2.15 terabytes. Yeah, my Internet connection is good and all, but not TERABYTE good. Come on, now.

Then, in the midst of all this fun, a nearby APC power unit blew out noisily. So look out all you electronics (ByTor, that includes you)… my fingers shoot lightning bolts or some such computer-killing stuff. Beware.

Oh, and the conference room projector decided it was fed up and stopped projecting stuff. Just before an interview and a client meeting. I had the projector sit on my couch and tell me its troubles, and now it is working again… but I suspect it harbors resentment. I’ll need to play a comedy DVD through the projector or something to raise its spirits.

Will work for cache

Ok, now that my computer has AI, I am looking forward to the day when it is smart enough and fast enough – Bytor, and his many brethren combined – to eliminate the need for caching. Caching is a crutch. Not a nice new aluminum crutch with the foamy pads for your armpits, but an old, handmade T of sticks found in the woods and used out of necessity.

Here’s what’s wrong with cache… What if you cache something bad? It happens all the time, and to me it has happened a lot lately. Some hideous monstrosity gets stuck in cache – and I don’t mean MY cache, which I could potentially clear with the aid of benevolent ByTor, but other systems’ caches – and then you are stuck looking at it until such time as the cache. Finally. DIES.

Right now, I am looking at an error page being spit out of cache repeatedly. Even though the real page is now text that says simply “hi”. Or maybe “hi” is throwing an error in text format.